Shedding of tears, love, heart ache...and dog hair...

I've started about 5 of these entries and deleted them all. Let's see if #6 is the trick.

I was hanging some lights in my bedroom and Madison came it give her approval. She jumped on the bed, sniffed the lights on the wall and gave me that look like she always does. I laid down on the bed to rest because my mind has been swirling all evening. It has really taken a toll on my energy lately. I was laying there talking to Madi...singing a song of love to her and she started to lick my hand. It shocked me. I wasn't really prepared for it even though she's given me a million kisses.

Madison has 3 basic types of kisses. She licks out of excitement, licks because she likes what she's tasting and then, she gives love. All three kisses are different in how she gives them. She was loving on me tonight and I started to cry. I just laid there and cried. She got up, walked over to my eyes and, kissed my tears away. It was the sweetest thing! I love her so much and all I could do was think that one day, I won't have her.

So, here comes the part of being unlovable and not able to share in this world right now. Madi being a 3 year old dog, she doesn't judge at all. She's just a dog...with unconditional love. I could leave the house for 5 minutes and come back and she'd be so excited to see me. I remember having that discussion before with someone. She's just this loving animal that thinks she owns me. She's so spoiled that there isn't a moment where she believes she's an actual dog. I spend more money on her food than I do mine. I call Dr. Judy once a month to give him an update and to ask questions. I take days off or go in really late to work just to walk her on the trails. When I'm pulling out of the driveway, I'll see her cute little face in the window watching me leave and it just melts me. I have to go back in and play with her.

I remember first getting her and how she was so independent and did not like anyone touching her. She'd shake her entire body when she'd get touched for more than 3 seconds. It's what she does to kind of reset herself is to have a fully body shake. Well, now, she takes naps on my chest, gets into my lap all the time, plays/wrestles with me...it's an amazing turn around. She has gone from a complete loner to loving and learning to be loved. Now, she demands being loved on and will just play forever trying to coax me on the floor for one of our wrestling matches.

She's such a little lady. I call her a princess. She's so proper and distinct in how she handles herself. It's funny to actually apply those descriptions to a sniffing, snorting, huffing sharpei. My life means so much more to me because of her...because of a dog I almost didn't get. She's an amazing blessing in a world filled with selfishness and hate.

Stephen graduates from basic training Sept. 9th. He's so happy where he's at. He hurt his shoulder on a 70ft. jump from over some wall. He said he didn't break anything. He was ordered for a day at sick bay to recover the stiffness. Other than that, he has a machine gun and is being trained to kill people. It's crazy...my little brother...in the Army. His car is still at my parent's home and I want to get him some really cool wheels for a graduation gift. Maybe I'll have it retinted as well. He'd love that. I just hate picking out wheels like that because he may have a certain thing he wants.

I have so much to do for myself. I turned down a date with a woman I met the other night. She was so beautiful and had these really incredible lips. They were very unique and perfectly shaped. I wanted to go home with her but...I just can't right now. There is still to much to focus on myself about. It's just not right for me to give myself away when I don't feel like I have anything to give right now. I think that dating is out of the question thru the end of this year. There will have to be a lightning strike or something incredible to turn me around. Friends are getting nervous about me not wanting to date. They are starting to ask stupid questions and push for me to see someone.

I want someone to inspire and someone to inspire me. I want to accept who they are and be accepted. I want to stay away from expectations and selfishness...and of course, live without the same. I don't want to look good to someone. I want to be real. That's a really impossible thing to find right now. So, I'm not going to push myself in a direction that will distract me from myself.

I'm becoming fascinated with volunteering at a hospital to sit and talk with terminal patients. Something keeps speaking to me about it. I wonder what message I'll have for them and what they'll have for me at their death's? It's an interesting thought. Also, it's something to give that will be powerful...love at the end of all things. I hope to have that love when I leave.

Until then, I'll keep shedding tears of all kinds, notions of love and, more deeply rooted heart ache. Oh, and I have to vacuum the floor from all the dog hair.